Long time, no blog. Wow. What a crazy few months that no one in particular has missed. Let’s review what’s happened to Tinkerbell Jayne in these recent dark times:

• I got Chober© – went 46 days straight without a drop, or should I say crumb
• I fell off the wagon on Day 47 – Easter Sunday – and binged on an assortment of very high calorie chocolate treats for approximately 12 hours
• I aged an entire a year, not just a week or two, an entire year. One day I was 23, and then the next day – Poof – I was 24. Unfair
• I got dumped by the boyfriend. By text. Unfair
• The old housemates flew the nest, and I auditioned two new strangers to take their place, much like Big Brother. Unfortunately the wardrobe that holds the gateway to Narnia is still present in my living room, but this is soon to be removed. Hopefully chopped up into a thousand pieces by the means of a big fat sharp axe.
• Erm . . . I got dumped. By text.
• Bumped into ex-supermodel/American reality TV star/I’m A Celebrity Get Me Outta Here runner-up Janice Dickinson and shared a delightful conversation and snog with her
• Hmmm – did I mention I got dumped?
• . . .by text?
• I got my hair cut, at some point, but then it grew again.

I promise not to be such a lazy blogger from now on

As I sit here and eat my Strawberry Swirl Cheesecake (it’s like eating lip balm – eugh!), I wonder to myself if there are others like me out there; other chober people, suffering in silence as they struggle to cope with their milky chocolate cravings. For all I know their could be a million other Chobers out their right now with tears in their eyes as they eat their lip balm textured Strawberry Swirl Cheesecake.

Why are we suffering in silence?? I think we should create Chocanonymous. A place where people can go who want to sort their lives out and get chobered up. A place where Chocaholics can converse with other Chocaholics, and they can help each out. You could share your worst moments with Chocolate, or your best – whatever helps you get yourself Chober.

It’s an extremely difficult thing to admit to your friends, family, work colleauges or even your boss that your a chocaholic. Why? Because everybody thinks they are a Chocaholic. Everyone loves chocolate, I don’t know one person who doesn’t. And everyone likes to indulge, or spoil themselves, or go OTT every now and then. But there are some people out there, some people like me, who know what it’s like to suffer as Chocolate takes over your life. . .

Whilst all your housemates are cooking stir fry, or a curry, or even a nice chicken pasta, youre unwrapping your third Wispa Gold of the evening. You wake in the morning for Breakfast, some people are having eggs, some are munching on cereal, some are even spreading jam on their classic continental pastrys, but not you, your reaching for a Creme Egg from your multi-pack. When dining out for a meal, you politely order your drink and a starter, secretly praying they have a desert menu, and counting down the minutes till you can order that Chocolate Sundae. You cry at the counter of McDonalds when they tell you their Milkshake Machine is out of order, and then you quickly remember there is an Argos over the road where you can buy a Blender and make your own Chocolate Milkshake at home using a pint of milk and a Galaxy bar- it won’t be as good but it will do the trick. In public, you actually say No to people who offer you a chocolate from their box of Roses, or a minstrel from their packet, in fear that just one won’t be enough and the Chocolate Monster inside you will break free and scoff their Chocolate snack like a Lion would scoff a zebra!


Yes, Chocanonymous should definitely happen.

Chober©:
Adjective
Pronunciation: Cho.ber

A word created by Tinkerbell Jayne, referring to the words Chocolate and Sobriety, Chober© is the state of not being under the influence of Chocolate, or anything with Chocolate flavor or of Chocolate Essence.

Dear Chocolate,

I’m in pain.

I was just with you. I have just been holding you in my hands for a brief minute . . . but I let you go.

This morning, being in such a hectic rush, I accidently picked up the wrong yoghurt from the shelf at the store, thinking it was vanilla with a strawberry corner. I didn’t even notice my mistake upon paying at the till, nor did I notice my mistake upon packing the goods in a bag. It was not till just now, when I reached into my bag, pulled out the yoghurt and peeled off the lid, that I caught of a glimpse of you, that I realised I had not purchased Vanilla and Strawberry.

I had purchased Vanilla with Chocolate covered flakes.

Staring down, and peering through the open gap between the plastic pot and slightly ajar foil lid, I could see you, I could see your lovely dark chocolatey skin wrapped around those flakes; a whiff of your scent drifted from the yoghurt pot, almost like you were eager for me to smell you – such a tease. For a split second, I actually considered eating you Chocolate. Looking around I realised that most of my colleauges who knew about my Love affair with you – and my attepmt to give you up – were out of the office on Lunch. I could have easily gotten away with it. I stared at you, so badly wanting to just grab my spoon, and tuck you into that soft vanilla yoghurt, stirring you in, and then letting the mix of the yoghurt and you melt in my mouth.

But I’m stronger than that Chocolate. And I love you too much to just give into you on some flakes. You deserve more than that. Trust me, when we are reuinted, properely, it won’t be because your topped on some flakes, and no other food, snack, or condiment will be involved. Just us two. Me. And You. Me. And Chocolate.

Until then . . . I miss you Chocolate.

Tink x x

Dear Chocolate,

It’s been 15 day’s since we last saw each other face to face. 15 days since I last touched you, smelt you, tasted you. I know I was a possesive and jealous person in the past, and I thought had gotten over those issues, but if the last two weeks have taught me anything – it’s that I haven’t learnt a dam thing about how to control my jealousy.

It’s been torture seeing you with other people; having to watch family, friends and work colleauges all enjoy you the way I can’t enjoy you, because I was foolish enough to give you up. Every year when Lent came around I would toy with the idea of giving you up, but I just couldn’t do it Chocolate. I loved you too much. But this year, well, this year was different; what with a break-up, a disseration, exams, then a stressful job followed by un-employment, I indulged in you far too much in the past 12 months.

So I made a decision. I chose to give you up for Lent . . .

I didn’t know what I was thinking, I thought maybe we needed the break. And whilst I have lost a few pounds, and my skin feels and looks better, I have to admit – I’m starting to regret the decision.

Do you want to know the worst thing about the consequences of my decision Chocolate? Seeing you with strangers. Strangers who don’t even appreciate you for what you are. It kills me. Watching them unwrap you, peeling off your layers, smuthering their lips around you and biting you so carelessly, not even caring about the crumbs that they simply waste and just let fall to floor. I care about your crumbs chocolate. I adore your crumbs. I hold my hand out for crumbs. And whilst I have found some comfort in my good friend Cake, and my new friend Strawberry Muller Rice . . . their just not you Chocolate. Not even close. I miss you. I just hope you miss me.

Thinking of you Always

Tink x