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30, Single and … Failing?

August 18, 2016

So, what’s new with me? Well, let’s see, I’m single. I’m broke. And I’m about to move back in with my parents. Sigh.ย #LivingtheDream

I’ve been putting off writing this post for over a month. But I can’t put it off any longer. Things won’t make sense in other blog posts unless I get everything out on the table now and am completely honest about exactly where I am and what’s going on with me at the moment. Although, as honest as I can try and be, I don’t actually have any idea where I am or where the fudge I’m going, not really, but I know it’s good. I just know it. Butย sometimes you have go through the worst, to get to the best…

So, yeah, I am officially single. My beloved Beard and I broke up last month after nearly 5 years together. We moved out of our horrible little studio flat (that I may have secretly loved, so dearly in fact that I cried when I had to leave). I am currently staying with my Sister, her Husband and their little boy until I figure out where it is I’m going next. But most likely I’ll be shipping my tush back to Liverpool to live with my Parents. Yup, back to the Mothership I shall flee. You see, I basically need to figure out exactly what I want to do with my life and what ‘my purpose is’ (as cheesy as that sounds) and unfortunately I can’t afford to pay ยฃ650 a month in rent & bills in London why I sit around and ponder my purpose in life.

I mean, everyone told me back in April when I turned the big three zero that “30 is the new 21,” but I didn’t think they meant it literally. Because I basically am 21 again, minus the fresh-faced skin, the flat stomach or the ability to drink fishbowls and wake up hangover free. Oh and of course with the added joy of crows feet *aggressively applies eye cream*

That’s what started this whole thing off (the being 30 thing, not the crows feet). I found myself sat alone one Friday night in my flat, the flat I could no longer afford to live in, contemplating buying a bottle of wine before quickly remembering that the reason I was sat in alone is because my painfully low bank balance was stopping me from going out. I’d already spent all week trapped in my little studio flat trying to ‘write’, but mostly staring at the same four walls feeling like I was going crazy. So by Friday night I was bored out my mind with a lot of time to think. I began to realise my relationship had slipped into a major funk, although not as much of a funk as my Career which was almost non-existent and at an all time low. Feeling down, I wanted to call a friend, see if anyone fancied a drink, but it honestly feels like so many of the friends I had in London had left or gone onto bigger and better things, as detailed in this gif:

Carrie Bradshaw = Me
Heidi Klum = Everyone Else

I realised how lost I felt. So lost, and really quite low. I asked myself: Is this where 20 year old me saw myself in 10 years time? Lonely? Broke? No Career Prospects?

Of course it wasn’t! I had high hopes for 30 year old me, I had dreams, goals, aspirations, I just don’t know what happened to them. Or to me for that matter. Well, the words Rut and Stuck in spring to mind. But in all honesty, this year hasn’t been the best, far from it, I’ve never felt less like myself, or more down about myself. And not just my situation, my career, my love life or my bank balance, by my-actual-self, my appearance, my body, the person I’ve turned into. As I sat there and analysed my whole life on this random Friday evening, I realised it was time to make a change.

No-one wants to admit failure. But it was time to do so, I’d buried my head in the sand long enough. I realised I couldn’t carry on with the way things were, pretending I was happily floating along when really I was drowning, silently. It was time to wake up and make a change. Starting by admitting I’ve failed.

Quitting my full time job to write & blog? Failing, failing big time (that’s failing, present tense, not failed, because by golly I’m still going to try). I completely misjudged just how much money I needed to survive in London and my blogger income was not enough. Not even close. And when it comes to writing, I know deep down – it’s time to admit it – I have not been trying as hard as I could have. And that needs to change.

Living my life as the independent woman I once was? Completely and utterly failing. I’m a shadow of my former self. I had become so dependent on my other half it was ridiculous. It was putting a huge strain on our relationship. And for that reason (along with many other factors) our relationship was failing too, something neither of us wanted to admit because we still loved each other so much. In fact, out of all the failing, that was the hardest and most difficult thing to admit (I won’t go into details because I have to respect him, my wonderful lovely Beard, but it was an amicable break up that we are helping each other through. We are still good friends, so I’ve no doubt he will still be popping up on this blog from time to time).

I was failing at just being happy. It’s so easy to fake a happy life across a blog and social media, and I felt like I was really forcing myself to live a life that would look good online, one that was acceptable in this online society us bloggers live and breathe by – the great London flat, the London lifestyle, the dream blogger job, and of course the perfect boyfriend to wrap it all up. But behind the scenes it was a daily struggle and I was beginning to hate myself. It didn’t help that my drinking was getting worse and worse, something I’ve talked about before on this blog (and will touch on again). It was getting more out of hand each time I drank, and I realise now that was me trying to escape my failures, hiding from reality.

So. I made a change. Several. We broke up. We moved out. I packed up all my stuff (it’s currently sat in my parents in Liverpool) and I moved in with my Sis and began temping for my Brother-in-law to bring in some pennies. I’ve started running again, eating healthy and I’ve ditched the alcohol too. I’m basically going through a huge change in my life and it actually feels good, much better than what I was doing two months ago, which was nothing. I was sitting around waiting for things to happen, rather than making them happen.

It’s still hard of course, very very hard. I still feel completely lost – I hate not having my own home or my own space where I can walk around braless and burp and fart as loud as I want. I still wake up every morning and roll over expecting to hear the Beard snoring next to me or asking me to make him a bacon sandwich. It’s hard adjusting to not seeing someone everyday that you’ve spent the past five years sharing a life with [insert broken heart emoji]. And I’m sad that the future I thought was all mapped out for me -babies, marriage, horse & carriage and all that jazz- now won’t be happening.

But as hard as it all is, its necessary! I needed to make this big change in my life. I want to be a better, happier person, one who is determined to turn all the negatives into positives. Yes I might be 30 and moving in with my Mum and Dad, but hey, free rent and a Sunday roast every week, can’t complain about that, can I? And Yes children may not be happening for me right now or in the near future, but it looks like I’ll just have to travel the world instead. And No, I may not have a booming bank account right now, but I also don’t have a big mortgage to pay, or come to think of it, any real grown up responsibilities.

On paper it may seem like I’ve landed myself a one way ticket to spinsterville – 30. Single. No Job. No House. No kids – but I don’t see it like that all all (although I was seriously considering getting a kitten, just the one). This is the time to decide what I want to do with my life and where I want to go. I’m already heading off to Peru and Argentina later this year, and next year I will go to Japan. Where else can I go? What else can I do? Forget being my Oyster, the world can be my brand new boyfriend!

I may up and down at the moment, just a tad over emotional and very very lost, but it feels good to be lost in the right direction. And in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I am “Single & Fabulous! Exclamation Point”

So that’s me. What’s new with you?

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