This is a strange blog post to write because there is no real point to it. Even the title was a struggle. There is no category for this to perfectly slot into and no exciting news to share, humorous list to unveil or new café to shout about. Not today. This is simply a chat, or an explanation rather, for my lack of blogging.
There have only been only five posts this month, the last being 13 days ago! That’s shameful compared to last month which I felt was a fantastic month on my blog, jam packed with content and variety. And if I’m being honest I usually find these mopey, soppy I’m-feeling-sorry-for-myself posts a bit cringey when I read them on other people’s blogs, so I do apologise if it comes across like that. But I didn’t want this weird, quiet period of mine to go unexplained. But truth be told, 2016 has not been kind to me so far and I pray it isn’t a sign of things to come.
My Granddad passed away on the 27th of December, breaking mine and my family’s hearts into a million pieces. I’d been fortunate enough to make it to the age of 29 without losing a Grandparent, but this meant that I had no idea how to deal with it.
Mind you, does anyone?
On one hand you are glad they aren’t struggling anymore. Simple tasks for me and you had become impossible for my Granddad; making a cup of tea, walking up the stairs or even just buttoning up a shirt, these were things he could no longer do. Body parts ached and memory was fading fast, leaving him constantly confused. So of course when he passed we were glad he was at peace and not in any confused state of mind or in any more pain.
But then of course there is other hand to deal with, the one that means you won’t see them again. You won’t have another conversation with them, you won’t ever hear them laugh again or be able to listen to one of their stories (oh how I loved the stories). This is the part I’ve been struggling to deal with. My mind has been consumed with worry as to where my Granddad is. Not his body, not his trusty shell that had carried him around for over 80 years, but him, my Granddad. Where is he?
My Granddad last Summer with my Sister and my Niece and Nephew (his Great Grandkids!)
Due to his death falling over the Christmas period, it meant we had to wait a few weeks for the funeral, even more heartbreak especially for my poor Nan who had lost the person she has spent most of her life with. For more than 57 years he had been by her side, and now not only did she have to say Goodbye, but she had an agonising wait of almost three weeks before she could do so.
Despite this, I went into the New Year trying to be positive, looking forward to the year ahead and making my own 2016 goals and resolutions. Yet by January the 4th it was hard to feel even a pinch of positivity as I not only had the flu but had caught a nasty mouth infection. I started a new freelance position that very day and whilst trying to settle into my new desk I was also trying to control the sweats, control my runny nose and figure out how to talk and eat with a mouth full of what felt like actual bee stings.
Oh the fun I had.
As you can imagine, at this point I had zero interest in blogging. Mourning the loss of my Granddad whilst dealing with a temperature and a swollen mouth left me with little energy to give even the slightest dam about my blog. But, encouraged by my boyfriend, I did eventually get round to doing a few posts, and Thank goodness I had even scheduled one before Christmas.
The 15th of January was my Granddads funeral. By this point both me and the Beard had been ill, but we had gotten over the worst of it and so we travelled up North for the funeral. Now, I know you’re not supposed to have a fun at a funeral, but I have to admit it was one hell of a send-off, one my Granddad would have loved. Let’s just say there were lots of tears, both sad and happy, many glasses of whiskey were poured, lots of Port was drank and there was even dancing to a live Irish band (!!)
I may have gone a little OTT with the drinking, mixing port with steam boats (don’t worry, not together) and I felt quite rubbish the next day, especially as the Beard and I had to dash back to London because he was jetting off to America on the Monday for work.
I was actually looking forward to having the flat to myself for a week and getting lots of writing and blogging done. But shortly after the Beard had jetted off on the Monday, and my week of peace could begin, I began to feel ill – Again! Really!!??
Maybe I’d never fully recovered the first time around, maybe I’d drank too much when saying Goodbye to Granddad, either way I basically spent most of my peaceful week curled up in my bed feeling run down, in pain and incredibly, well … alone.
And for anyone out there who doesn’t understand how Freelancing works if you’re sick and can’t work, no pay for you. So I not only lost my voice but I lost paid work too, and for the second time that month, I lost my blogging mojo.
This was the final straw in what had been a three week decent into feeling truly sorry for myself and wanting to completely give up. Maybe if I hadn’t been alone it wouldn’t have been as bad, but have you ever spent three days ill and alone in a room going stir crazy?? Tis not pleasant, I tell thee. I still went out running each day (as part of my current running challenge, as if I was quitting that after 50 days straight) but the furthest I could do was 2 miles before I became a big coughing sweaty mess and had to return to the confines of my small, cold, empty flat.
Blogging was so far from my mind, that someone could have called me up to say it had been hacked and was unfixable and I probably would have just rolled over and gone back to sleep, giving literally zero f***s
Fortunately, I can now report that I am on the mend – mostly. Whilst the flu is definitely on it’s way out, it will take my heart a lot longer to mend from the sadness of saying Goodbye to one of the most Amazing men in my life. But as those nasty flu symptoms depart, the sparks of a blogger are slowly returning and I’m hoping that I will soon have my blogging mojo right back where it belongs (that includes being devastated if my blog got hacked, so lets all cross our fingers that I haven’t just jinxed myself!)
I’m not even sure why I decided to write this long, dreary, quite self-indulgent post, but I already feel like getting out how I’ve felt and just talking/writing about it has massively helped. Self-indulgent or not, I don’t care, as my boyfriend always say “it’s better out than in” (of course he is usually talking about farts, but in this case the same rule applies).
And I hope anyone else out there who has lost someone close to them, is feeling run down and ill, or is just down in the dumps and having, like me, a really really crap start to the year, let’s try and think positive shall we? As much as I hate to admit it, I’m probably a glass-half-empty kind of person, mainly because I’m such a big worrier. And I’ve already been worrying that this awful month has been a sign of things to come.
But I don’t want this dreary start to 2016 to dictate the rest of my year. No way, I’m not letting that happen. So let’s put on our positive thinking caps, and turn this Crappy New Year into a Happy one eh?
Whose with me?