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5 Reason NOT to date at Five Guys

June 22, 2015

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Five Guys

5-6 Argyll St, London, W1F 7TE

You may remember last month I enjoyed a ratherย filthy breakfastย at Five Guys where I wrapped my jaw around a super juicy and super eggy breakfast bacon sandwich. Well this weekend the Beard and I decided to head down to the Argyl Street restaurant to finally try a proper Five Guys burger* I ordered myself a cheeseburger and for my free toppings I chose ketchup, lettuce and grilled onions, whilst the Beard went for a bacon cheeseburger with mayo, grilled onions, lettuce and tomato. Obviously these were accompanied by two soft drinks of our choice and two portions of salted fries, although the fries are more like chips (and a warning, if your allergic to peanuts, do not eat the fries as they areย cooked in pure, no cholesterol peanut oil).

I have to say, biting into my juicy burger was like biting into a piece of heaven, albeit a sloppy greasy piece of heaven – these burgers really are messy! Fortunately this doesnโ€™t bother the Beard and I as we regularly devour messy food in front of each other, itโ€™s practically a hobby of ours. But I couldnโ€™t help but sneak a peek at the oddly silent teenage couple next to us, who were both blushing and looking quite awkward as they rushed to clean their ketchup stained faces after every bite of their burgers. I realised they must be on a date. Five Guys is a great place to go with friends, a boyfriend or a girlfriend or even solo. But a first date? NO. Bad idea! And here are five reasons why:

1) These burgers are basically greasy, messy, filthy, chunky patties of joy! Fantastic for your taste buds, but not so fantastic for your face, chin, neck and hands which will all get covered in grease, I even somehow got it in my hair

2) There is no elegant way to eat a Five Guys burger, itโ€™s messy and thatโ€™s how itโ€™s supposed to be. Trying to eat one of these burgers whilst also trying not to smudge your MAC lipstick would take serious concentration or the assistance of a knife and fork. These burgers are not about that, they are about wrapping your mouth around it and being able to lick your lips afterwards.

3) The chance of you having a rather full on foodgasm is HIGH. I actually moaned out loud (mol?) Whilst a foodgasm is probably a completely normal occurrence in Five Guys, your date may get the wrong idea.

4) There is also a chance that the both of you will go into a food coma after you have demolished your Five Guys burgers. Probably something to do with there being not one greasy, messy, filthy chunky burger in there, but two! Both slathered with melted cheese andย bundledย into the softest of buns. Very filling indeed. Meaning whatever fun or romantic activity you had planned for afterwards will probably not be happening (or you will completely lack any enthusiasm for it and just want to lie down)

5) Ketchup, mayo or just general grease stains may end up all over your new โ€˜Date Nightโ€™ dress. You could always make yourself a lovely bib serviette but is that really the look you had in mind for your first date?

Basically, Five Guys is a super tasty, but super messy. So maybe not the best spot for a first date. Maybe save the sloppy burger eating till a few dates in. But if your keen to try a Five Guys, donโ€™t wait till then, get yourself down there for a super tasty burger. Their fast food system is amazing and you get to see all the food cooked in front of you. It’s easy, quick and VERY VERY yummy in ya tummy.

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