The saying goes: Falling in Love is easy. Staying in love is hard … or something wise and clever like that. This is very true. Relationships can be problematic. Mostly because boyfriends are difficult; I know this because I’ve been living with mine for the past six weeks (temporary circumstances). Don’t get me wrong, I have loved having the Beard live at the flat with me, it’s been heaps of fun, we’ve got on great and a very big part of me is going to be sad to see him move out *weeps*
But his irritating male habits have had me at the end of my tether on more than one occasion; leaving the toilet seat up, snoring down my ear, throwing his crisp packets on my bedroom floor, talking loudly over Sex and the City (and not agreeing with me that Carrie Bradshaw IS FABULOUS! ) Yet no matter how many times I nag him inform him of these habits, he remains oblivious to them.
The solution? Just annoy him back, twice as much by going along with the following:
My Guide to Annoying your Boyfriend – 7 Simple Steps to driving him bonkers
1) GIRLY PRODUCTS Shampoo, conditioner, tampons, razors, moisturiser, eye cream, make-up, bath oils … gather as much girly crap as you can and place it all around his bathroom. This is the female equivalent to leaving the toilet seat up.
2) HEADACHE Explain to your boyfriend how you’ve been blessed in life as someone who never suffers from headaches, its genetic, you and your family just aren’t the headache-suffering kind. Then the next time you’re in bed together and he shuffles over to your side for some sexy time, utter the dreaded words “I can’t tonight, I’ve got a headache”.
3) MOULIN ROUGE Insist that he watch Moulin Rouge with you, cry a lot at the end, then sing the songs constantly in his presence (particularly Come What May and Spectacular Spectacular – maybe even throw in some dancing)
4) RUIN HIS SLEEP Just as your man is drifting off to the land of dreams (the first sign of a snore) give him a Wet Willy*
5) RUIN HIS SLEEP SOME MORE Wake him up with a Wet Willy too
6) BE FUSSY Let’s say your boyfriend is going to cook for you, and he asks “What would you like for dinner?” reply pleasantly with any (or all) of the following: “I don’t mind/It’s up to you/You decide/Surprise Me/I’ll eat anything/I’m not fussed”. He may persist, but whatever you do, do not give him a specific answer. Just avoid the question entirely. When he eventually dishes out the dinner and presents it to you, look at him in disgust for a good few seconds and then say “What the *** is this? I didn’t want this.”
7) WHATS ON HIS MIND? Ask him what he is thinking about. ALL THE TIME. It will drive him crackers.
At some point your man will reach his breaking point, wonder why you’re acting crazy, and tell you he could write a list of the things that annoy him about you (that list will look pretty much like the above). This is point of negotiation i.e. you will stop leaving your tampons everywhere if he agrees to put the toilet seat down, you will stop with the Wet Willies, if he promises not to talk over Sex and the City anymore, and so on and so on
*Wet Willy is when you lick your little finger so it’s all wet, then stick it in someones ear. Not the other kind of wet willy. Ew.