Manflu // Man•Flu [Man – Floo]
An incurable deadly virus which has adapted to only effect the “XY” gene found in men. The virus attacks the immune system 10,000 times harder than the average flu virus, causing excruciating pain for the victim. Man Flu has no cure and only prayers can save the forsaken life of the infected.
– Urban Dictionary, Dr Thommo, 2007
On Sunday evening I returned to my flat after a girly weekend away to find the Beard lying in my bed in a heap of snotty tissues. Sweating and sniffling – he was “bed bound”. This could only mean one thing … Man Flu. Oh Crap!
I don’t personally believe in Man Flu. I believe in Influenza, commonly known as Flu, of which both genders can contract. We feel tired, our bodies ache, we get all snotty nosed and become utterly unattractive. But thanks to (most of) our awesome immune systems, we can recover from it fairly quickly.
But Man Flu?? Pfft! Here is my personal definition of Man Flu:
Manflu // Man•Flu [Man – Floo]
–completely made-up term
When a Male exaggerates the severity of his cold in order to receive sympathy from a female. An excuse for him to be waited on hand and foot whilst complaining all day long. It usually begins with sniffles, then drastically changes into a terrible life-threatening condition through no fault of his own crazy imagination
– TinkJayne, 2012
For a long time us women could just laugh it off. If a man complained of a headache, or a slightly runny nose, we could just shout comments like “Shut up you girl” or “Grow a Pair”. But thanks to the likes of The Telegraph, who actually published a piece in their health section last year called ‘Man Flu really does exist’, us women are screwed. The Telegraph reported that some idiot professor in Australia (a man!) had discovered that the Male’s immune system is not as strong as a woman’s.
Did he take into account things such as the average man drinks three times the amount of alcohol the average woman does? No, these kinds of factors were not taken into consideration during this idiot’s pointless research. And so now, more than ever, men truly believe that Man Flu is a genuine disease that gives them the right to slob on the sofa being an arse for a week or two. These kind of articles have brainwashed them into thinking it is gender-related, like Menstrual Cycles and childbirth (and no doubt they believe it’s more painful) stupid idiot professor *shakes fist in the air*
So until some brilliant amazing female scientist proves the idiot male professor wrong, I felt I had no other choice but to go along with the possibility that Larzy could have contracted this deadly ‘Man Flu’ *rolls eyes* and so I agreed to be at his bedside. I fetched him drinks, food etc, even treated him to a Chinese takeaway to cheer him up. It actually wasn’t so bad. Because I suppose at the end of the day, there is no real harm in keeping up the pretence of Man Flu if keeps him quiet for a few days, a bit like keeping up the pretence of Father Christmas or The Easter Bunny for a child – it’s harmless and it only comes around once a year. So yes, he can have his Man Flu theory .… for now.
But my next batch of period pains, or run of the mill cold, I am demanding a Chinese takeaway – his treat! And a massage!