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Dear Dickhead

February 1, 2011

Dear Dickhead,

Yes you, you know who you are – you are a Dickhead.


Oh how you’e changed, you never used to be this Dickhead that you have become. Or maybe you’ve always been a Dickhead and you just have an un-explainable gift for hiding it.

You were my best friend, but now you’re simply just a Dickhead. I was blinded by your sneaky disguise with your sarcastic sense of humour that was so similar to mine, your northern roots and northern charm, and your ability to make me feel so bloody happy. Well, you’re not making me happy anymore, thats for sure, you’re seriously pissing me off.

I totally misjudged you Dickhead, I thought you were kind and I thought you genuinely cared about me; you were there for me when I was down and out, when I was sad and upset and hating on men because all they do is break myย heart. You proved me wrong by being a gentleman and comforting me, and showing what I thought was sincere affection for a friend. You were always there for a cuddle, a giggle, a chat, a pint, a shot, you were an awesome flatmate, and I can’t thank you enough for the hundreds of cups of tea you made me – cheers for that Dickhead.

I cherished you, I loved hanging out with you (oh how we laughed, eh Dickhead?), I thought I’d found a friend for life, a friend I dearly loved.

But enough with the deep, meaningful and pointless crap, because by God I was wrong, wasn’t I Dickhead?

Because one not-so-special winter’s day you decided to be your true self and show your true colours. It’s as if you awoke one day with a sudden vendetta against me and decided to bring me down. You lead me on, messed with my feelings, only to ultimately do what so many ahve done before youย – trample all over me. Okay, fair enough, it takes two to tango, yeah maybe I liked you a little too much, and trust me, my biggest regret is acting on my feelings. But you responded, you acted on your feelings too. The difference is mine were genuine, and yours were clearly not.

Tut tut Dickhead, you really shouldn’t play around with dangerous words such as the risky big L word, not if you genuinely don’ mean it. Everything you ever said to me was a translation for “I’m bored, so you will have to do for now”.ย These past two months with you has been like living with a schizophrenic – one day you would be sweet and charming, saying the things you know I so desperately wanted to hear. Yet the next day you would forget about me; you would toss me out like bad milk, I was old news … only to be recycled a week later when you were bored again.

*Shakes Head*

Dickhead, Dickhead, Dickhead, if you wanted me to feel like a fool, you certainly achieved your goal. Task accomplished Dickhead! I thought after all the bollocks I’ve been through, that I had learnt my lesson, that I would never be played again and that I could definitely recognise a Dickhead when I saw one. Bravo for playing me so dam well! If there was a Dickhead of the year award, you would win hands down. Because you really have made a fool out of me; you continued to be cruel, and yet, somehow, stupidly, I was still pining for you, still keeping my fingers crossed that you would eventually pick me. I tried dating other people, but when you told me your (very negative) opinions of them and how you thought they were “not right”for me, instead of telling you to sod off and mind your own business, I took your comments so seriously. I even convinced myself that you were jealous, and that if I stopped dating, that you would finally choose to be with me.

How dense was I to believe that? It was clearly never going to happen. And you pulled some fantastic lines out of the bag to make sure of that. Lines that should have me made realise just how much of a Dickhead you are, lines that actually make me cringe just thinking about them, such as “But you’re out my league” and “I think your too good for me”, and nothing can top the one you delivered to me most recently: I want to be with you, but I just need to be by myself right now.ย

So, the final straw came when several days after delivering this line to me,ย you turn up at our flat with what appears to be your brand-spanking new girlfriend, flaunting your new found relationship in front of me, with the biggest, slyest, smuggest smile on your face.

Really Dickhead? Really? You actually seemed shocked when I told you never to speak to me again. You seemed surprised, and confused. Did you really think I would be all fine and dandy about this? Did you really think it was okay, and not just a teensy weensy bit cruel?

I’m actually confused myself, did I do something to piss you off ? Because as far as I’m concerned, I’e been nothing but nice to you since the day you turned up on my doorstep, yes we’ve had our tiffs and silly arguments, but I was bloody good to you Dickhead. Not that I’m tooting my own horn, but let’s just stop for a moment and think back to just how good I was to you – I used to give you advice, I was always looking out for you, I cheered you up when you were down or homesick, I’ve taken care of you when you’ve been worse for wear on a many a nights out, I’ve even watched over you vomiting in the toilet, I looked after you when you’ve had nightmares, I even (foolishly) bought you a Christmas present, only to get nothing in return – yup, a tad embarrassing for me. And through all this you were on with me, then off with me, you were using me, and you were feeding me lies. So did you honestly really think I would be cool with you turning up at our flat with your new girl on your arm? You are suchย a Dickhead, you’ve treated me with no respect, you’e played me like a fool, and you’ve lost a dam good friend.

But, congratulations, you’ve made all my ex-boyfriends looks like saints.

So, this is my Goodbye and farewell to you Dickhead. I’m done. I’m sorry to do it so publicly, but lets just call it revenge for playing me, lying to me, using me … oh and for that time you wet the bed we were sharing in theย travelodgeย That seems fair.

Pack up your stuff and leave; get out the flat. I hope you find whatever the hell it is you’re looking for.

Lots of love (don’t take that literally Dickhead),

The girl next door

P.S. If none of this makes much sense, you can always have a listen to the awesome tunes below to help the message get across:

  • Dickhead by Kate Nash Includes the lyrics “Your such a Dickhead”
  • For a pessimist, I’m pretty optimistic by Paramore, includes the lyrics “I put my faith you in so much, but you just threw it away”. Yup, thats on point.ย

If your still struggling to understand the nature and meaning of this public Dear Dickhead rant, then a few plays of Lilly Allens track F*k you should do the trick, lyrics include the very important message “F*k you”

[Dad, if you’re reading this, I apologise for my language, but he seriously deserved it]